The Process of Becoming One

""Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."" -Jesus (Matthew 19.4-6)

A few weeks ago I was reading an article on marriage in which the author asked a question I thought was fairly profound, "Are my expectations for my marriage unrealistic?" She cited a study in which Paul Amato, Ph.D., professor of sociology, demography, and family studies at Penn State, studied 2,000 subjects who started off married, and finding that 55 to 60 percent of divorcing couples discard unions with real potential. Many divorced couples stated they still loved their ex-spouses but that they became bored with the relationship or felt that it wasn't living up to their expectations.

What are realistic and unrealistic expectations married people might have? I've known men who expect their wives to maintain the same body shape they had when in their 20s and before kids, to always agree with everything the husband decided, and to never complain about anything he did. I've heard wives over the years expect their husbands to be as romantic as they were when they had been dating, to have deep conversations that can last into the night, and to never leave the toilet seat up. Are these expectations (and these are just a few I've heard) realistic or unrealistic?

When your mate constantly fails to meet your expectations (realistic or not), it becomes tempting to think about being free. There always seems to be other people out there that are smarter, better looking, wealthier, more attentive, etc. than what you have at home. If you were free, you want to believe, you would have your pick of all those better potential mates.
Freedom becomes especially tempting when having to deal with a particularly sharp difference in a relationship that never quite gets solved. These long-simmering and oft-boiling-over-disputes create doubt about every aspect of the relationship's goodness. They can make everything about your mate look bad and blot out any remembrance of good. I'm not talking about real abuse (sometimes that label is given when it shouldn't be), affairs, lying, refusing to work, inappropriate actions with others of the opposite sex, or criminal actions. These are serious sin issues, not differences of attitude or personality.

Becoming one flesh requires diligent work. The best "one fleshes" are those in which both mates constantly sort through their expectations to see if they're realistic, guard their heart and thoughts, and do things to purposefully show love and kindness to the other person. Becoming one flesh requires room for growth and grace. It acknowledges that there are "seasons" in all relationships. We are not perfect mates, so how can we expect our mates to be perfect? Becoming one often involves disappointments and difficulties, but it's the disappointments and difficulties that develop our ability to grow as individuals as Christians and as Christian couples.

I am slightly altering the ten questions the author asked at the end of her article: 1) Am I exaggerating the negatives? 2) Have I removed myself emotionally from the marriage? 3) Am I or my spouse allowing our anger to escalate into violence? 4) Is it really necessary my mate becomes what I want? 5) Have I been clear (to the mate) on which behaviors bother me and why? 6) Do we have fun together or are able to keep a sense of humor during tough times? 7) Am I avoiding conflict because of fear? 8) Do I need more time alone? 9) Is something else altering my feelings? 10) Am I doing all I can to change the quality of the marriage?

Biblical love is a verb. If loving biblically was easy, everyone would do it. Christians are not called to marry, but they are called to love their spouses biblically if they do get married.